Some Nights
by Hamsta97
Summary: Clint heads out to a remote beach to think and try to escape the ghosts of his tortured past. They creep back up on him until a surprise visitor makes an appearance and Clint discovers that just maybe he can be a child again. Songfic based on the song by Fun


**Disclaimer: Don't own the Avengers.**

**A/N: Clint took a leave of absence from the Avengers after the Battle of Manhattan. He sits on a beach and reflects.**

The night's pitch-black apart from the fires that are dotted around the beach. Clint's found the only empty section though. There's him, his own fire, a bottle of rum and his guitar. He'd left the bow and arrow back at his tent. He doesn't know where he is, all he knows is he's in Canada or America, he's not too sure which. He's on an island, he knows that much. He can remember sitting on the ferry. There's woods for miles around and he's pretty sure Stark can't track him down here. At least, Clint hopes he can't. He wants to be alone, to think. He hasn't slept in two days. The nightmares are winning… for now.

_Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck_

_Some nights, I call it a draw_

_Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle_

_Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off_

Clint wants to scream or shoot someone sometimes. Instead he sings or gets drunk or does both. Mostly he wants to forget though. Sleeping doesn't help; the nightmares remind him of all the red. Tasha told him before the Battle that she had red in her ledger that she wanted to wipe it out. Clint didn't say anything. He's got more red than her. She can talk to people about her red, no-one blames her. Tasha doesn't remember her parents or all her kills. She doesn't wake up to hear their ghosts or discover that she's drawing their faces.

"Who's that Barton? _Stark _Who do you draw Eye of Hawk? _Thor _Clint, talk to me. Who is that man? _Tasha _Is that your mom and dad? Do you miss them a lot? _Fuck you Rogers _I'm sure the accident wasn't your fault."

That showed how much they really knew.

_But when I still wake up, I still see your ghost_

_Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for… oh_

_What do I stand for? What do I stand for?_

_Most nights I don't know anymore…_

_Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh, oh_

_Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh, oh_

Clint sees his parents and hears their scream. He curses the fire for reminding him of the accident. Clint cut the brake line on the car. He wasn't supposed to be in the car. Tasha teases him about his fear of fire. She doesn't know about what he did to his parents. Nobody does, not even Fury or Phil. He doesn't know why he did it, or maybe he does. He wanted to kill them; he wanted them to be gone from his life. He didn't want to be stuck in the car with them, trying to hide in the back seat while they argued. Then there was the cliff. Clint thought they'd go over. His dad turned the car and crashed into the tree instead. The explosion left Clint with a pattern on his chest. He calls it his confetti. That was what the pieces of metal and blood flying everywhere looked like. Assassin's confetti. Then he crawled out, his mom asking why he wasn't helping. Her voice still rings in his ears when he wakes up.

"Why? Why aren't you helping us Clint? Why don't you love us?"

But they never loved him. They loved Barney.

_This is it, boys, this is war- what are we waiting for?_

_Why don't we break the rules already?_

_I was never one to believe in the hype- save that for the black and white_

_I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style_

Clint's been at war for longer than he can remember. First he was at war with his parents, then the world. Why should the world be having fun when he was fighting a battle against himself? He was always going to lose; he didn't know the costs would be so high. The daughter of the Hungarian politician. She was so young, only sixteen. She'd just made love to her boyfriend for the first time. Clint had hated that job. He'd shot the boyfriend first, collateral damage he lied to his employer. They reminded him of Bobbi and himself when he was younger, in the circus and it seemed like Barney might love him. Bobbi had been killed the next night by Barney or Trick Shot or Swordsman. He never did find out. Swordsman and Trick Shot didn't tell him. They were brave, he'd give them that. They'd held up under torture but in the end they'd cracked and told him the blunt truth.

"We never loved you. You were money. Bobbi was a distraction."

_And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight_

_She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am_

_Oh, who am I? Mmm…. mmm…_

Tasha came to him one night. The mission had involved children, her weakness. They'd fucked and she'd left but the impact hadn't. Tasha made Clint forget for a while. Forget the red, forget the tortures. He had more scars than her. She'd wanted to know the stories and he'd only lied to her twice. The one across his chest, slashing it wide open. The blood had covered him, the pain never ending. Swordsman had paid for that. The one on his throat still hurt in the night though, the memory was still raw.

"I'm going to kill you little brother. Slowly and in the ways you fear most. You told me, remember? After you told what you did."

The voices were crowding in his head again.

_Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end_

_Cause I could some friends for a change_

_And some nights I'm scared you'll forget me again_

_Some nights I always win, I always win…_

Clint smiles mockingly at that thought. He'd never win. He'd accepted that long ago. Warring against the world didn't work. Every battle ended in pain and red. His employers didn't always pay so he killed them. The suicide bombers that weren't really, the ones that were brainwashed children hurt. Tasha, fighting her had nearly ripped him apart when he realised. You never won if you fought yourself. Clint knows this. The old man who'd never hurt anybody in his life… that one was still fresh. It wasn't the old man's fault that his son had borrowed money from the wrong people.

"Son, why are you waging war on yourself? It's not your fault you did what you did. You'll only tear yourself apart."

Clint's still whole though, on the surface.

_But I still wake up, I still see your ghost_

_Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh_

_What do I stand for? What do I stand for?_

_Most nights I don't know… (come on)_

Clint doesn't stand for anything but himself anymore. Tasha's ghost drifts round him. She takes a mission a day after the Battle, steering clear of Clint. His so-called friends are wary around him but Clint doesn't need friends and he sure as hell doesn't want them. He takes shots for Tasha, so his ledger gushes with red, so hers stays clean. Phil lied to him; Phil said he'd know what he stood for but Clint doesn't know. He's still not sure and he _knows_ Phil knows but Phil's dead. Tasha's ghost's floating around, whispering in his ear.

"I love you Clint."

But love is for children she says and Clint's never been a child.

_So this is it? I sold my soul for this?_

_Washed my hands of that for this?_

_I miss my mom and dad for this?_

Some people say Hawkeye's sold his soul to the devil. Others say he never had a soul. Clint's not too sure. He gave his soul to Swordsman and Trick Shot. Barney had full use of it and they _all_ misused it. Ever since Clint was a kid, nobody got away with a slight to Clint. Only his father could because his father could and would kill him. Killing his mom and dad was his ticket to freedom. If he hadn't cut the brakes he wouldn't have learnt how to kill quickly and neatly. He misses his mom but she was just an accident. With her dead Clint could fly higher than the hawk he's named after and he did. Killing quickly is the only mercy he shows. He hates torture, he hates slow death. Barney, Swordsman and Trick Shot though… they deserved it for what they did to Bobbi and his soul. They killed Bobbi and they ripped Clint's soul raw. It's covered in blood now, from wounds that will never heal. Swordsman tried to kill Clint, left him with his ruler scar. Tasha doesn't talk about her scars but Clint names them. It lessens the pain, makes them feel closer. The long slash across his throat is his ruler; he measures the truth with it. If it hurts when people talk to him he kills them. Trick Shot landed the deathly blow on her beautiful neck though. Clint knows what mark an arrow makes. Barney was the worst crime. Destroying Clint's soul he could just about cope with. He could get quick revenge. But for what he did to Bobbi.

"I see why you liked her so much little brother."

What Barney did was unforgiveable. Clint hopes that when their souls meet in Hell he could cause even more pain.

_No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars that's all they are_

_When I hear songs they sound like this one, so come on_

_Oh, come on. Oh, come on. OH COME ON!_

Tasha sees stars as souls, that's one of the reasons he loves her. Clint sees them as cruel reminders of what he can never have. Stars represent freedom, light, innocence, childhood. Clint wants to be free but S.H.I.E.L.D. tied him to them neatly. Clint lives in shadow, he always preferred the dark when he was a kid. In the dark your dad can't beat the shit out of you. He was never innocent and his childhood was destroyed. His father's ghost snarls in his ear.

"You deserve _my_ fate!"

Clint's scared he's right.

_Well, that is it, guys, that is all- five minutes in and I'm bored again_

_Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands_

_This one is not for the folks at home; sorry to leave, mom, I had to go_

_Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?_

Clint's been killing for fifteen years now, ten with S.H.I.E.L.D. Bastards. He's seen the dead soldiers, the boys that didn't want to die, all they ever wanted was to serve their country. Clint delivered a body home once. He tries to tell the mother that the son died a hero. He lied. He ripped the medal off a dried-up corpse. Barney's here now. Clint knows that fighting him won't work. The last time he tried that the ghost drove him close to suicide.

"You'll die alone. You'll die in the desert or here. I can make you do it. You can die like Mom and Dad."

Clint listens numbly. Dying alone is the only thing that truly terrifies Clint. Dying like his parents, in a fire is next. But Clint can deal with fire. He can't deal with dying alone.

_My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call 'love'_

_When I look into my nephew's eyes…_

_Man you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from…_

_Some terrible lies… ahhh…_

Barney got a girl at one point. Barney got a girl and tormented Clint about his failure to protect Bobbi. Clint got his own back. His nephew wasn't his nephew but that lie destroyed the whole family. Barney got drunk, destroyed the house with fire. Clint used fire on Swordsman's eyes, a message to Barney. Trick Shot's limbs were shattered with arrows, flaming arrows. Barney got the message.

"Look Clint, fire."

"Please put it out. Fire's scary."

"Don't be pathetic."

Clint flinches from the memory of the blow that followed. Ten-year-olds are scared of fire and of brothers that are too powerful to beat. He got his own back though.

"I'll find that girl you care so much about. Tasha, isn't it?"

"NO!"

Clint realises that he's screaming out loud this time. But the thought of Tasha being torn from his tenuous hold was too much. They were so close, and then Loki destroyed it. Clint _will_ get his revenge on Loki for what he tried to do to Tasha. If she ever forgives Clint.

_The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me_

_I called you up, but we'd both agree_

_It's for the best you didn't listen_

_It's for the best we get our distance_

_It's for the best you didn't listen_

_It's for the best we get our distance… oh…._

Tasha's never going to trust him again. Clint holds his hand over the flickering flame. Then arms encircle his neck and he panics, thinking his mom and dad, Trick Shot, Swordsman, Bobbi, Barney and all the other ghosts are going to destroy him this time.

"Hey Hawk. It's me."

"Tasha…"

He turns and sees her, smiling.

"You know how I said that love is for children?"

He nods, thinking miserably of his own childhood.

"I think it's time we lived out our own childhood."


End file.
